


This Is What Love Is

by Nadja_Lee



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bittersweet, Emotional Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Marriage, POV James T. Kirk, Permanent Injury, Sacrifice, Telepathic Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-09
Updated: 2009-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:40:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23019439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: Jim would always protect him; always love him. No matter what.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 8
Kudos: 326





	This Is What Love Is

“Jim! Jim!” he yells excitedly and I turn from my terminal to look at him, my work forgotten at once.

“What is it?” I ask patiently with a soft smile playing over my lips. Even now his very presence softens my expression and makes affection wash over me.

“I solved the equation,” he says proudly and I can’t keep surprise from showing on my face.

“Already? The most brilliant minds at the Academy has been working on it for weeks,” I say, referencing to the Vulcan Science Academy.

He avoids my eyes like he has always done whenever he feels embarrassed. The way he has done since I first met him. The movement almost steals my breath. So close…too close to what is lost forever. To distract myself I rise and say, “ Show me.”

He takes my hand, his expression filled with trust and eagerness. I squeeze his hand as he almost drags me through the house towards his own office. The warmth of his hand in mine feels like fire. The Link in my mind springs to life and reaches for something it can never find again. Echoes of desperation and loneliness resound in my mind and I have to hide a painful grimace. I know touching him tears me up inside but sometimes, just sometimes, I have to do it. I have to reassure myself he is still here; he is still with me.

“See,” he says as we have entered his office. He releases my hand to point at his terminal. At the loss of contact the agony in my mind slowly starts to subside to become a dull echo I have become so used to I barely feel it. The many open windows and rows of equations on his screen means noting to me but I know when he says he has solved the problem he has. That part of his mind was never damaged.

“Well done,” I say because he is expecting a reply from me. The childlike innocence on his expression, how my praise makes him smile like a star… it is almost more than I can bear.

“You have a visitor, Admiral Kirk,” the house’s computer voice announces.

The voice tears me out of the turmoil of emotions I was being caught up in. “I need to answer the door. If you save that we will take it to the Academy tomorrow,” I say as I leave his office.

“Okay,” he replies, a satisfied gleam in his eyes as he returns to his terminal. I am halfway down the hallway when he yells after me. “Shall we play chess tonight, Jim?”

The voice…. So like it was. If I don’t turn around, if I stay frozen in this moment…I will be back. Before all this happened. Before…. I scowl myself; I should be thankful for what I have and not drown in self-pity. I turn around and at his open expression I cannot help but feel my eyes lit up; he is here with me. What more do I want?

“Yes, that’s a good idea.” He nods the way he always used to and disappears back into his room.

As I am near the door I wonder who our guest can be; it’s not Sarek and Amanda; they come every Sunday when we are on Vulcan unless they are away on one of Sarek’s diplomatic missions. “Computer, identify our guest.”

“Dr. McCoy,” the voice announces and I smile. It has been a long time since last I saw Bones. “Enter,” I say when I have reached the entrance. The door slides open and McCoy enters, smiling at me.

“Jim. Good to see you,” he says and gives me a big bear hug.

I return the hug. “And you,” I reply before we draw back. He lays his jacket over the nearest chair as we walk together to the kitchen area. Without asking I pours each of us a brandy. We toast silently and take a sip before I speak again, “So, what brings you to Vulcan?”

“The Enterprise is docking here for repairs so I thought I would stop by,” McCoy says and I can see he was hesitant to mention my Silver Lady.

“It’s ok, Bones,” I reassure him but he doesn’t look comforted. “Is Sulu taking good care of her for me?” I try to listen the mood but McCoy won’t let me.

“Yes but he isn’t you, Jim.” He gives me a piercing look filled with desperation for what was and can’t ever be again.

“Bones…” I sigh. “We have been through this. I need to stay here, on Vulcan.”

McCoy gives a frustrated gesture with one hand. “And do what?”

My eyes catch his. “You know why I’m here.”  
His expression softens. “I love him too but God damn it, Jim! He wouldn’t want you to throw away your life like this!”

I feel a sting of hurt at his words and my face closes. “I won’t exactly say I’m throwing away my life.” I teach, I debate strategies with High Command and consult the Federation on various matters. Since taking a ground assignment I’ve even earn another medal for strategic thinking.

“It’s not the stars,” McCoy reminds me gently.

“I know,” I say softly with a hint of remembered pain. Then my expression sobers as I add, “But I’ve found something which is more important to me.”

McCoy seems hesitant for a few seconds and in those seconds I can see the depth of his own sorrow at what has happened and it cuts me up inside. “Is he…-?”

He cannot ask, he cannot say his name, he can’t even finish the sentence. For almost a year he tried to save his friend and my love; nothing worked. Nothing ever will. Defeat leaves such a bitter taste in your month but at least I got him back in my life; this is my own ray of hope. This hope alone will carry me through the rest of my life. But McCoy doesn’t even have that. That day he lost us both; I think he knew he would which was why it was so hard for him to walk away.

“He’s doing well. He has been given another accommodation; this time in the field of astrophysics. We’re going to Earth next month for the ceremony. We’ll stay at my apartment in San Francisco if…” I let the invitation hang in the air. McCoy hasn’t been in the apartment since he had had to admit defeat; since I gave up command of the Enterprise, since I accepted a ground assignment.

“I think we will have left by then,” he says, his eyes on the floor.

I nod; my ship…without me. Not my ship anymore I remind myself. I drown the rest of my brandy and it burns all the way down. _Stop it_ , I command myself. I am happy. I have not been on a starship for 3 years and I am happy! I hope if I repeat the mantra often enough I may finally believe it.

“Is…is he happy?” McCoy asks softly, pain flashing in his eyes.

A lump is in my throat and I can only nod. He has to be; my life lies in his happiness. In the smiles he sends me; the signs of affection he shows me. Bittersweet as it is I still cling to every little detail.

He lays a calming hand on my shoulder. “And you?” he asks quietly.

Our eyes meet and I refuse to look away even though his eyes see deeper into me than I like.

“I am content,” I say evenly.

My answer is not the one he wished; it is not the one I wished to give either but it is all I can give. I give his hand on my shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

“I am alright,” I say and I mean it. This may not be what I wanted but I truly am content; I **am** all right. I know he won’t understand but this is what I choose.

He nods and withdraws his hand. Before my eyes the agonized friend becomes the concerned doctor. “The pain in your mind…is it under control?”

I nod. “It flares whenever we touch but otherwise I have been able to subdue it. Sarek brought me to a Vulcan healer who taught me some mind techniques which has helped.”

“Have you considered Pon Farr? You will have to touch him then,” McCoy reminds me.

“I know,” I say grimly. The Bond will flare to life constantly and the fire will drown out anything else.

“You’re gonna go through with it!” he exclaims, a horrified expression on his face. “Jim, it could kill you!” McCoy has never been able to walk by and let anyone suffer; stranger or friend. This is his burden to bear; his pain.

I shake my head; I have already investigated this. “It won’t kill me. Just…” I pause, not wanting to say it.

“Just leave you for days in constant agony with a Vulcan who is unable to see to your needs in those days in any way,” McCoy supplies for me, bitterness and pain in his voice.

“McCoy,” I warn.

 _Not now_ , I silently beg. _Don’t argue with me now._

Maybe he heard me; maybe he too was too tired to keep pushing. For a few moments he stand in silence until the moment become painful.

“I have to….” He begins and I nod as we both walk towards the front door.

We can never spend much time together these days; it quickly becomes too raw. There are too many memories, too much pain remembered, and too many shattered dreams. He pulls on his jacket and looks further into the house, towards the room he knows is Spock’s office. He won’t go see him; he never has. Not since that evening where he finally gave up. He can’t. It hurts him too much. I can’t blame him; few from the old crew visits and if they do they rarely stay long. Sweet memories can become such bitter companions.

“I will say you dropped by,” I tell him, my voice understanding. McCoy gives me a grateful smile.

“Open,” I command of the door and it slides aside, letting in warm Vulcan air.

“See you…captain,” McCoy says with something close to bittersweet sadness before he turns around and leaves without saying goodbye or shaking hands.

To him I will always be the captain and his friend. Maybe this is the greatest source of pain for him; he cannot let go of the past.

 _I won’t say goodbye_ , McCoy had told me that evening back on Earth in my apartment where we had all had to accept life would never be as we had hoped it would. And so we never did.

The door slides close and I stand lost in thoughts for some minutes. Then with a shake I tear my thoughts back to the moment. It’s time for dinner and I start preparing, putting on some soft music to distract my wandering thoughts before I call Spock to help me in the kitchen. This domestic ritual always has a warm and calming effect on us both.

Later that night when we are laying in bed, moments from sleep, he curls up to me, seeking warmth and affection. I eagerly invite him into my embrace. Despite the bittersweetness of moments like these I live for them. They are painful in their echoes of a past long since lost. Yet still they bring hope; despite it all I have found I will always have hope.

“I love you,” he mumbles, his head on my shoulder, his body warm and heavy on me.

The Link burns in my mind but I ignore it. McCoy is right; when Pon Farr comes around I will need to be able to withstand this pain and whatever else is thrown at me. I may as well start building up my shields now.

“I love you too, t’hy’la,” I whisper softly and gently kiss the top of his head.

He does not understand the full aspect of what love is. He doesn’t understand what being Bonded means.

After the _Fal-tor-pan_ his intelligence remained; one of the brightest minds in the galaxy. But his social intellect remains that of a 10-year-old child. There is no sexual element to our touch any more. He wouldn’t understand. Outside the madness of Pon Farr he wouldn’t understand. He lived yet my bondmate still died. Gone…gone.

No! I refuse to think like that. We are together and that is all that matters. We have a good life here. If we hadn’t been Bonded I would not have been allowed to decide what was best for Spock. Vulcan Law dictates as Bondmates we have full legal rights over each other yet still some doctors back home protested. They weren’t sure it was ethical for Spock to remain with me ‘in his condition’ as they called it. As if I would ever harm him; as if I would force my sexual desires on him. The very idea sickens me; I could never hurt him like that. Luckily Spock’s family is extremely powerful and quickly made everyone aware that Vulcan Law was to be obeyed when it comes to Bondmates.

Not long after Spock’s _Fal-tor-pan_ I had been forced to return to Earth without him to stand trial for what I had done to get him back. At that time I still hoped, I still firmly believed, he would return to me just like he had always been; my t’hy’la; my Bondmate. On the way my crew and I managed to save Earth and this meant my disobedience earned me only a demotion to captain. Had Spock been by my side this moment would have been complete. He arrived later to Earth but no doctor here, on Vulcan or anywhere else could help him.

Little by little my stubborn faith and bright hopes begun to die. His mind remained childlike, innocent and naïve. He remembered me, remembered the non-sexual aspects of our relationship. He trusted me completely from the beginning. His emotions were rarely controlled and even today he shows more emotions than he ever did. I took a ground assignment to stay with him and with years my accomplishments earned me back my rank as admiral. This time I was thankful for it; it gave me more freedom and a better pension. It meant more security and it made it easier for me to give my t’hy’la the best possible life. We have homes on Earth and on Vulcan; he works on various science projects that interests him and I have my duties to Starfleet. We play chess, we go camping, we debate books and we explore the world around us. In many ways he is so like the friend and lover I lost it’s painful.

Yet if anyone asks me was it worth it; worth losing the Enterprise, worth the death of my son, worth giving up the stars…was it all worth it I know what I would answer. There can only ever be one answer; yes.

“I am here, Spock. I am always here,” I whisper into the darkness and tighten my embrace around his warm body.

The words are more for myself than for him. I would rather have him like this than not have him at all. As he died on the ship our mating link broke. The pain almost drove me insane. I need him in my life in any way I can have him.

“Jim,” he mumbles softly as he holds me close and my heart aches. My love, so close yet so far.

*I am here, beloved. I will always be here,* I say over our mental link and sends waves of assurance and affection to him, building walls as I’ve done for years against the agony in my mind and heart.

He rarely uses our mating bond to communicate but he often sends waves of warm affection to my side. As he feels my mental response a small smile curves his lips and his eyes have closed as he goes to sleep. He looks so fragile lying here in my embrace and I am overwhelmed with affection. We may now only ever be lovers in a painful Pon Farr, which will leave me with the bitterness aftertaste of loss, but my love will remain. Forever. He is here in my embrace. Nothing else matters. I have made it not matter. My love for him is complete, all-consuming. There is nowhere else I could be; nowhere else I would want to be.

As I drift off to sleep, Spock safe within my embrace the pain in my mind slowly fades into a dull echo. Balancing on the edge of sleep all I register is that my t’hy’la is in my arms; everything else is forgotten in the haze of near sleep. In that glorious moment we are together again the way we used to be. In that moment I am at peace once more.

And I smile.

The end


End file.
